When it comes to the behaviour of our dear neighbours I have long since given up on attempting to understand it.
This a fanbase who staged mock funerals for the renaming of their stadium, trashed their own city centre and punched a horse as a result of losing a derby and keep bedsheet producers in business with a series of protests every season.
Perspective and coping when things go wrong has never been evident on Tyneside. But the events of the past couple of days have made their previous delusions pale into insignificance.
When I switched on the local news last night I immediately felt slightly alarmed. Presenters were talking about a “dark cloud casting over Newcastle” before defiantly stating that life must go on through these difficult times. A Psychologist was interviewed to explain how recent events would impact on the local community.
Such was the outpouring of grief you may have been forgiven for thinking a genuine tragedy had occurred in the city or at the very least a death of a local celebrity. But no, a football team that weren’t very good at football had just been relegated.
Relieved at learning the true cause for such a bizarre overreaction I decided to play a little game of Mag cliche bingo. It wasn’t long before I crossed a number off the list. The spirit of Bobby Robson was soon mentioned (the same Bobby Robson who was spat on and hounded out for finishing 5th), Keegan quotes were referred to and at this point I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
All of this hyperbole was cringeworthy enough, but nothing could prepare me for what I was to see on twitter moments later. An almost love letter like plea from the “Geordie nation” to attempt to try and persuade Rafa Benitez to stay at the club. The plea included promising of unconditional love from the Newcastle fans and even promises of a statute should he deliver a trophy.
At this stage I seriously felt as though professional intervention was required. The way the letter was worded was so embarrassing it read like a message from a dangerously obsessive ex on the eve of their former partners wedding to another woman. Refusing to let go refusing to accept it is over, not being able to cope with the idea of him moving on. “I would rather kill you than let you be someone else’s.”
It would be odd enough if Benitez had guided them to Premier League safety. However, despite facing Sunderland, Norwich and Aston Villa in the run in he failed to beat either side and only a missed penalty from Yohan Cabaye gifted them the win at home to a Palace side who had won just one league game since the turn of the year.
At Aston Villa, he set his side up very cautiously rather than exploiting the obvious vulnerabilities of the already-relegated opponents. Such negativity and results from McClaren would have seen bedsheets calling for everyone from the tea lady to the kit man to be sacked.
But no, the Rafalution rolls on and they fail to see the absolute hilarity they are giving much of the football world.
Another tragic trait of the “toon army” is their complete lack of self-awareness. In the aftermath of Wednesday’s result almost immediately meltdowns of epic proportions began. Apparently we ought to be ashamed of our wild celebrations because we are being obsessed (In 2003, and 2006 when we were relegated they produced fanzines on the subject).
The predictable jibes soon followed, suddenly people started proclaiming that we will always be in their shadow. (despite winning six derbies in a row, relegating them and winning trophies in the more recent past).
As the steam began to come out their ears at an even more alarming rate it was also claimed that not having an airport disadvantaged us as a football club. Not only this but we will never be able to have 55,000 screaming Geordie’s every week or have Ant and Dec as famous fans or be everyone’s second favourite team. Not to mention Newcastle’s apparently superior shopping facilities. Ironically, people who make such boasts are usually from East Durham mining villages with little or no connection to the City of Newcastle.
They do have a point, sadly. Personally, as Kone slammed the ball into the roof of the net I struggled to muster a cheer as it dawned on me that I will always be just an “SMB” who will never know what it’s like to experience famous number nines or blowing 12 point leads at the top of the Premier League.
In fact, I’ve now lost all enthusiasm for this gloating article and I shall now retire to sitting in Newcastle’s shadow munching on my cheesy chips and drinking blue pop.
